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7 Reasons Why

The 7 Reasons Why Black People Always Die First In Scary Movies




I believe that we have all watched our fair share of scary movies.

We’ve all seen the opening of a movie, with a woman in the shower. She hears a noise and says, “hello?” And the audience sighs because she gave her location away to the killer. Now imagine a black woman in the shower. She will have her shower cap on and will hear ALL. If she understands anything, it won’t be a hello. It’ll be a goodbye, she will either fight or flight.


Imagine your top ten picks and then try to recall the black character in each those films. Did they die off first? Were they killed towards the beginning or middle of the movie? Yeah, let me clue you in as to why.




  • We do not play by any of the rules: 

You know those typical ghost stories? Where there is running water, or the doors are slammed or closed behind you while you're brushing your teeth? Yeah, WE don't play that. We would confront it.


"Look here ghost, if you're going to be slamming the door and running water in my house you need to pay some bills around here. My light bill is already high, and I don't need you flickering lights on and off because you are bored. You either need to cross your ass over and say your goodbyes or pick up the tab. Invisible or not". The Ghost will pay bills or help provide.  They usually leave, they prefer a more passive household.

  • The movie would never exist: 
I'm not sure if you realized this, but black people are scary. Don't let our music videos fool you. Put us in nature by ourselves and watch how we freak out at every noise we don't recognize. We would be like Dorothy from "The Wizard Of Oz" yelling "Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my!" And in all reality, we could be in the back of a National Park and not be able to tell the difference between an actual park and being lost in the forbidden forest. The movie wouldn't last longer than 30 minutes. Let's be real; the movie would be incredibly annoying. There wouldn't be any plot or climax because we wouldn't stay long enough for the story to have a proper ending. We would either fight or run. There wouldn't be any investigation. If a friend went missing, we would assume they are dead. Why? More than likely because of the fact we are always killed off first in every scary movie. There are a few exceptions such as,“I know what you did last summer." Brandy Norwood is one of the iconic blacks in scary movie history. She lived.

  • We run when other people run:
We do not ask questions. Look we believe you. If you think you saw something? We saw something too. In fact, we have already woven a huge story in our head and are ready to share it with the news reporter if and when we get interviewed on the issue. From "my" experience, about a year ago, I saw one of my friends take off running randomly. I ran with her, didn't ask why because I didn't care. I trusted her you know? I just asked her a month ago why we were running. Do you want to test this theory? Find your nearest black friend and start running mid-sentence. I guarantee they will run with you, and probably outrun you and lead the way.

  • We don't like to swim, so that pretty much debunks any movie with rivers or lakes: 
OK, pause… it's not that we ALL don't want to swim… and it's not that many of us can't swim either. Let's debunk that stereotype altogether. I can admit, yes some of us women don't want to get our hair wet. Some of us can't swim. But the main reason? We don't trust anything in that water. Why? We can't see the bottom. We have to look at a beginning and an end. The movie "Free Willy" made it seem like the ocean was the place to be. But let's be real, we can't tell the difference between a dolphin or a shark in the water, so let's save all of our limbs and prevent another "Jaws" movie.

  • We aren't curious to check things out. We believe you: 
The only time you will ever see blacks investigate is if we are in a relationship. We could find out how many beats per second our lover has when they lie, but if we hear any weird noises in the house, we are out. Do floorboards creak in old houses? Yes, but if I hear sound in my brand new home, and I hear children laughing, and I don't have kids, I will walk my ass out of that house saying “It's yours” and chunk up the deuce. At this point, this isn't a ghost; this is a demon, an entity. I don't get how people can fight back demons and yell “It's our house.” Um. No, it isn't. It's rightfully theirs. CLEARLY, they were here first. That demon would live the next six months rent free, messing with me. I said in step 1 that we confront Casper. Not Jasper, (J)ust (A)nother (S)pirit (P)hantom (E)agerly (R)eaping its rewards Satan has laid out for him in my household. Like the bible says, Jesus put a song in my heart, but he also set a pep in my step. I'm Out.

  • We don't split up. We stick together: 
Um. We are scary. Why does everyone split up when people are stronger together? Characters are always running off and investigating with no type of weapons or flashlights. Like what is their PLAN? Then they run and act as they have never participated in any physical activity in their lives. An ankle is always twisted, and the character moves like the leg was amputated when they drag it across the ground screaming. Man if you don't get up and run, your adrenaline should be pumping to the point where you shouldn't even feel that. We know that if we stick together, we are less likely to get shot in the nighttime because someone couldn't see us.

  • We do not over think: 
Example 1: Any scary movie that involved a phone call. I recall one of the actors in a film saying if they picked up the phone they would die. But everyone kept calling each other or answering phone calls.


Um. Hello? Don't respond to the phone. Change your number. Or in fact, text them "new phone who dis."

Example 2: Or how about those characters who always end up losing their phone and try to locate it somewhere in the woods, "Girl/Boy.... leave that phone out there. I know you have insurance? We can file a claim and replace it. YOU have the money because we are in a deluxe cabin in the middle of nowhere." Or where is your smartwatch? See if you stopped pretending like you were too good for the technology you would have had a backup line. Besides we all know whenever they find the phone and try to call someone, they won't have any cell phone service because every writer in the movies gives their character Sprint or Cricket. We all know damn well AT&T, and Verizon gets service EVERYWHERE. I don't ever want to see anybody say they have no reception and there is a Verizon or AT&T signal on their device. #Alternative Facts


Even movies like "The Ring" wouldn’t work with us as the star. If a lady is climbing out my TV talking about I have seven days, I will call Best Buy and sue. “Um, sir I bought this TV brand new, it is leaking water, and a whole b**** is climbing out of my television talking about I have seven days. Is this still covered under Warranty if I beat her ass?”





Think about it, almost every ghost TV show or movie, if not all, do not involve us as the main characters. Would the TV show "Supernatural" be 12 seasons if the cast was all black? HECK no. I would have personally left in the opening credits of the show. I would look straight into the lens of the Camera like I am on "The Office," and say "You said I'm fighting a what?"


Would the TV show "Lost" have lasted as long if blacks were the main characters? Why were they lost for six seasons? But, then again, we probably would have been lost even longer, since we do not swim.

Comments

  1. If we're in a science-fiction movie, we SURE ain't gonna walk up on some ugly alien with tentacles and teeth EVERYWHERE, talking. about " It's a superior being! I must communicate with it!"
    My cafe au lait ass!

    ReplyDelete

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